Why You Shouldn’t Trust the San Jose Sharks

*Probably not true facts. Legal protection etc.

Adam Burish once bought a Chipotle burrito and dropped it on the street and then picked it up and ate it.

Logan Couture likes to bang on the glass when he watches other sporting events that require glass to be placed around the contestants.

Patrick Marleau’s eyebrows are full of secrets. One of them is how his hometown ceased to exist once he left it.

Bracken Kearns is secretly a spy for the BC liberal party. He’s from North Vancouver. I mean, come on.

Have you seen your children recently? Raffi Torres probably ate them. Or convinced them to get crazy eyes just like his at the very least.

Joe Thorton is having a torrid affair with Fin. He’s actually SJ Sharkie.

Tommy Wingels’ real name is Tommy Wangels. GASP.

Matt Tennyson actually hates to strive, seek, and find. And he likes to yield.

Scott Gomez has a poster of Sarah Palin above his bed.

Marc Edouard Vlasic has a tattoo of a cucumber.

Antti Niemi has a fear of vowels.

Brent Burns wasn’t actually injured this season. He was on an odyssey to see every 1Direction concert. That’s why his beard got so out of control.

Dan Boyle’s favourite Game of Thrones character is Walder Frey**

**Do not look up Walder Frey if you are a Game of Thrones show watcher only. Spoilers.

When Sexism In Hockey Is Discussed Bingo

Adorable Henrik Sedin cartoon in bottom right corner by Chloe Ezra from Pass It To Comics on Pass It To Bulis. And major H/T to Ryan Classic for the awesome graphic work.

Swedes and Bears and Twitter Jokes Oh My

This is just the most adorable picture on the planet. Thank you, cameras, for giving me this great gift. 

So this happened tweet exchange happened today and it was delightfully saucy and hilarious. Inspired by Luongo, I started thinking about a few NHLers I would like to say sorry about your penis to. Not because I’ve seen their penises but because they’re dicks. HAHA.

- David Backes, you kept slashing Keith Ballard in the gut and trying to punch him in the face the other night so: sorry about your penis. But off the ice you rescue abandoned and abused dogs so…congratulations on your penis as well, I guess.

- Duncan Keith, I will always say sorry about your penis. You would make the sorry about your penis all star team. Wait what?

- Brad Marchand, punching a Sedin in the face repeatedly and low bridge-ing Sami Salo makes you win the game of sorry about your penis.

- Too bad pucks don’t have penises because I would say sorry about your penis to the puck that hurt Chris Tanev’s ankle.

The Canucks Are The Most Bro-mantic Team In The League

All photos by Canucks photographer Jeff Vinnick.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C: 

Wherein My Team Makes Me All Gushy About Sports

I spend a lot of time thinking about sports, and more specifically, why watching sports matters. Seriously, a lot of time. I’m sure I’m weird, but it keeps me up at night sometimes. A lot of nasty things happen that tend to be centered around sports. It’s easy to start wondering why you bother supporting something so strongly that can have such a dark edge.

Then, if you fall in love with a team like the Canucks who always manage to lose it all in the most hulk smash of your heart way possible, you really start to wonder why you bother watching sports. But, sports do matter.

They matter for me because they connect me to people. They make me feel a part of something. Sometimes life isn’t going how you imagined it is supposed to. Sometimes all that’s getting you through a day is knowing you can turn on your TV at night and watch some Swedish twins score a beautiful goal. Other times, you are shuffling along in a fabulous mood, and hockey is just an excuse to energetically cheer and clap and put a voice to your fabulous mood.

The Canucks have shown me twice this week that sports matter. This article from the team website about a transgender goalie named Cory and his meeting with Cory Schneider is amazing. The Canucks have been one of the pioneers for LGBT support in sports and it continues to be one of my favourite things about them.

How wonderful that in a society that is so often ignorant or insulting to transgender individuals, Cory Schneider and the Canucks are saying you’re important and we support you.

The Canucks also announced an initiative with the other Canadian teams in the NHL called Hockey Talks to encourage people to speak out about mental illness.

Here’s an article from The Province about Rick Rypien’s story and more details about Hockey Talks. This issue is especially meaningful to me, and I couldn’t be happier the Canucks are spearheading it.

It’s really incredible to hear your team vocally support such important and valuable issues. Sports do matter.

My Response To The Rangers Girls Guide To Hockey

Here’s the thing, okay? When I watch hockey I like to talk about players butts. I can also present a workshop on the finer points of Hank Sedin’s playmaking or Sami Salo’s defensive stick checks. The point is, I watch hockey how I like to. So should you. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re less of a fan. No one needs a condescending guide for watching hockey whether they’re man, woman, or giraffe. Okay, maybe the giraffe should be told “Down in front” politely if he or she is sitting at ice level.

Dear LA Kings, Love the Canucks

 

 

A Letter To Some People On The Internet

Dear some people on the Internet,

There are some things I would like to address for you. Well there are four things, actually.

1) To (some) hockey fans, if you are making the oh so original “Sedin sisters” commentary, you might want to take note of their stats against your beloved “manly” team. Because if your team gets lit up night after night by two “sisters” what exactly does that say about your team? Also, if your argument for using these remarks is, “well I have a wife/sister/friend that doesn’t care I say that!” your argument sucks.

2) Free speech. We need to talk about free speech. Free speech allows you the freedom to SAY whatever you want. It does NOT allow you a free pass on ever being criticized for what you say. I’ll give you an example in case that’s not entirely clear. If I say, “Puppies are stupid and boring”, puppies can then tell me how horrible my opinion is through barking and scratching and then maybe pooping on everything I love. You see? I’m looking at you creep-tastic men on Reddit, Brent Sopel, Paul Ryan, and Tim Thomas.

3) Can we stop saying, “Why don’t people care about insert horrible serious issue of choice here instead of the NHL lockout?!!1″ Look, I can rant about big issues I care about all day. But you know what I can also rant about during the very same day? How I don’t get to watch twins thread passes like two red-headed ice skating Picassos for two hours a night, so I can escape the sometimes horrific human experience. So yeah, I will complain about the NHL lockout. Having escapism is not shallow. Stop telling people they’re shallow.

4) If some human person complains about David Booth’s hunting techniques, it does not make them a David Booth “hater”. I love David Booth’s glorious mane of hair, his penchant for Disney movies, the fact that he could be a cowboy hat model, and that he probably says golly gee a lot. I don’t love how he calls animals he has hunted “trophies” and seems to be collecting them all like Pokemon. But that does not equal being a “hater”.

Here ends the weekly rant.

Warmish regards,

Humming Giraffe

The Humming Giraffe is 5 Years Old

My blog is in kindergarten, yo. I know I’ve been a sporadic blogger the last year and a half, but I do plan to change that this year if the season ever gets off the ground. I was pretty convinced when I started I would write about a week’s worth of posts. Five years is rather wonderfully surprising.

Hockey blogging is one of the best things I’ve done. It’s given me a love for sports that I never had growing up. Thanks to blogging, I have an obsessive passion for writing I never expected. My nicest dreams involve being a comfortably paid published writer. And through this little website I have met some of the greatest people in my life.

Thank you to anyone who has left a comment here over the years, mentioned in passing that you loved reading my blog, re-tweeted a post on twitter, or told me I made you laugh. All these moments have meant a lot and have bucked me up if I’m not at my sparkling best. Y’all are the best. Here’s to five more years!

XOXO

Alix

RYP 1 Year Later

Rick Rypien took his own life a year ago today. The post I wrote last year at this time sums up how I feel about Rick and I don’t think I need to add anything in that respect. It’s one of those posts that sticks with you after writing it. Not my greatest writing style wise but bare and honest and filled with feeling. But I didn’t write this post to parade my writing around.

I wanted to write this post because there hasn’t been a day this year where Rick Rypien hasn’t crossed my mind. He should have played for the Jets this season and I should have followed his career from a distance like I do with all my other fave former Canucks guys. I should have watched his ice time climb and his interviews after games and his smiles with Bieksa post Canucks and Jets meeting on the ice.

Depression is awful and hard and the worst kind of villan. Some of my dearest loved ones deal with mental illness every day and it’s never easy. Mind Check, the Canucks joint initiative with BC mental health organizations is a great resource started in Rick Rypien’s memory. If someone close to you is struggling or you need help yourself, Mind Check could be a wonderful place to start. Also, my email is on the sidebar there and I’m always on twitter if you ever need someone to listen.

I wanted to write that and I meant every word of it. I would also like to suggest that you take some time to watch a YouTube highlight of Rick scoring a goal (His two goals against Calgary are especially nice) or fighting a guy 6 inches taller than he was. Or read about the charities he supported, like Kids’ Sport Alberta. Rick Rypien wanted to help people with his story and I’m sure he’d be proud of the work Mind Check and the Canucks have done. There is absolutely no shame in talking about mental illness. But he was a man beyond his depression with family and friends and likes and dislikes and passions and weird habits and everything else that make individual people so unique. No one deserves to be defined solely by their disease.

RIP Rick. People sure do miss you.