Way back in April during Trev Linden’s retirement press conference, he personally thanked Matty Ohlund for never taking his own room and being such an awesome roommate. Once I got over the adorableness of this statement which caused me to make noises only dogs could hear, I started to think about poor Matty having to search for a new roommate. My hockey less off season addled brain decided that Matty would audition new roommates during the Canucks first road trip of the season. This is how I saw it playing out. (Canucks are most likely not like this in real life. I’m sure they’re all totally rad and normal. Don’t sue me. I own nothing valuable.)
When Matty roomed with Alex Burrows or Ryan Kesler, he found he couldn’t get enough sleep, because Burr and Kes would always wake each other up to share new trash talk they dreamed of.
Matty thought it might be fun to room with Pavol Demitra, because Demitra was another veteran, and European, and it went fine at first. Until Demitra started calling Marian Gaborik while Matty was in the room to talk about their injured twin groins and what massage techniques they were using to rehab them.
Matty had fun staying with the Sedins. They could speak Swedish back and forth, and all three of them felt comfortable that none of them were overly chatty. Matty felt he had to move though when the Sedins kept laying out identical outfits the night before, and wanted Matty to start doing this as well.
Taylor Pyatt was a great roommate. He was neat and tidy and quiet. But Taylor Pyatt was drafted and played with Tim Connolly(noted Buffalo Sabres man whore). Matty got tired of being introduced to a different puck bunny at every new road stop and being told that “Tay Tay has such beautiful eyes!”
Matty moved in with Kyle Wellwood. He figured he could help the younger guy adjust to playing on the west coast, and be a good veteran influence. Kyle was really friendly, and Matty liked getting to know him better. But Wellwood kept calling room service and asking for deep fried mars bars to be delivered to the room. Matty felt that he had to move on to a new roommate just in case he was too tempted by the deep fried mars bars, and he lost his status as the guy that comes to training camp the fittest.
He had fun rooming with Kevin Bieksa. They liked the same movies and TV channels. Matty just felt a bit odd when Bieksa would practice his angry face in the mirror constantly. He finally decided he couldn’t stay with a male model all the time.
Matty decided he should try staying with the goalies. Lui was fun to talk to. He liked to tell a lot of good stories. Matty just decided he couldn’t get his pre game nap taken care of if Lui was always on the phone crooning baby talk in mixed Italian and French. Sanford was a great guy, but he kind of weirded Matty out when he constantly greased up his hair to make himself look more like Lui.
Matty decided to try staying with Willie Mitchell. Mitchell is always smiley and outgoing. But Mitchell was tired of losing at poker on the plane all the time and made Matty play hand after hand so Mitchell wouldn’t be embarrassed by Burr and Kes anymore.
When Matty roomed with Darcy Hordichuk, he couldn’t have any relaxation time because Darcy always had the music from his website darcyhordichuk.com blaring, and videos of him fighting guys on a constant loop.
Matty was really missing Trev Linden at this point. He decided he would give Alex Edler a shot, and then if that didn’t work out he would settle for his own room.
Alex Edler was tidy like Matty was, he went to bed at a reasonable hour, he could speak Swedish when Matty wanted to, he didn’t bring puck bunnies back to the room, and he was tall, so Matty could practice basketball with him when he wanted, like he used to with Trev. What a relief.