Some time ago, Kevin Bieksa let it slip during a radio interview that a number of Canucks have animal team nicknames. He even said it was a bit of a fetish. Ryan Kesler is Bull, Alex Edler is Eagle, Jannik Hansen is honey badger, and Keith Ballard is wolf. Someone is Fox and Bieksa has decided David Booth should be called Grizzly, probably because he is an avid hunter. I’ve been dying to know who the other Canucks are in the animal kingdom but for the purposes of this post we’ll focus on Bull. Without further ado, I give you Canucks Fairy Tales:
Bull is in trouble. During a summer trip to Spain for sightseeing and much needed Siesta time to rest his hip and recover from the grueling Stanley Cup Finals, he is mistaken for a bull from the famous Run of the Bulls. He is chased through the cobblestoned Spanish streets, yelled at, poked at, and just barely avoids the rocks that are thrown at his lanky bull frame. What is he to do? He is a HOCKEY playing bull. Can’t they see that? He is a VANCOUVER CANUCKS bull! Breathless, he turns off in an alley and manages to evade the bloodthirsty crowd. They’re worse than Boston fans, Bull thinks to himself. Suddenly, an idea comes to him in a flash, like a Sami Salo slap shot. If he conceals himself in the red tablecloth that sits on top of a nearby cafe table, the townspeople will never notice he’s a bull! Bulls are supposed to be terrified of the colour red. Bull wraps himself head to toe in the conveniently large tablecloth and nonchalantly steps back into the chaotic city street.
Just then, he runs head long into a Hockey Canada official. Oh no! With his concealed face, the Hockey Canada official can’t see his uniquely American bull features. The Hockey Canada official thinks Bull must be a Canadian hockey bull.
“Come with me!” says the Hockey Canada official, throwing his moose hat into the air, and uncorking his bottle of maple syrup. “You’re supposed to be on the ice with Logan “The Beaver” Couture right now.” Bull almost physically recoils when he sees these Canadian patriotic symbols. But he stops himself just in time. His Michigan, USA heart squeezes painfully at the thought of pretending to be from Canada but he knows this is the best way to escape the mean for a Bull Spanish streets.
Bull follows the Hockey Canada official, quietly stepping so his hooves don’t betray his virile bull-ness. All he has to do is make into the Hockey Canada training building and everything will come up horns. They waltz down the long street, until Bull can see the bright red giant maple leaf blowing in the wind above the largest building on the street. He walks in behind the Hockey Canada official. The heavy door clicks shut and Bull no longer hears the chants of “Kill the bulls!”. He sees all of team Canada lined up in front of the benches. They are looking at him suspiciously. He doesn’t want to be stuck here too long and get assimilated to the silly Canadian customs. Bull takes a deep breath, and gathers his courage. In one smooth motion, he flips off the red tablecloth and stands completely NUDE. His giant American Flag tattoo sparkles red, white and blue under the bright lights. All of team Canada GASPS in horror! He’s an AMERICAN! Bull salutes the Hockey Canada official that got him here safely, turns on a hoof, and runs across the room. He leaps through the open window, crosses the courtyard. and hops the fence landing in the handily placed right next door Hockey USA compound.
Bull is safe at last! He’s safe to live and play hockey with his own countrybulls. Free to love apple pie, the most giant of fast food sizes, and the home of the brave. Bull lives happily ever after.