Now that the Canucks are about to start the playoffs it’s time for the mainstream media to chime in with their sudden insight on how hated and disgusting the two timing President’s trophy winners are! I’ve saved you the trouble of reading countless versions of this drivel by providing you a time saving template that covers the general gist below:
Do you care about ___Canadian___ patriotism? Do you love humble, strapping young men that spring up fully formed with broad shoulders from frozen ____Prairie____ ponds? Do you find yourself agreeing with ___Don Cherry__ or ___Mike Milbury__ that the golden hockey way is bruises and punches and good ___North American boys ? If so, the Canucks are not for you. The Canucks are filled with all those __Euros__. They’re you know, different. They may be ___Sissies or look like ___Your Mom. The Canucks even have one of those girlie __Alien twins as their captain.
The truth is Vancouver the city itself isn’t Canadian either. The folks there are odd. They didn’t grow up with ___Ice and Snow in their backyard ponds. Vancouverites even like __Starbucks over the vastly more Canadian ___Tim Hortons . My granddaddy told me that ___Rogers Arena was built on an ancient ___Pot Smoking and __Hippie burial ground. These __liberal weirdos do not deserve a winning hockey team like the people in my traditional Canadian Hamlet of ___GordieHoweBobbyOrrMooseAndSnowTopia .
What it comes down to is the Canucks can’t win Lord Stanley’s mug because they don’t play our glorious game of hockey the ___Right way. They ___Dive and like to carry the puck. They don’t ___Pay The Price by blocking shots like ___Insert My Favourite Team That Is Out Of The Playoffs Here. If you cheer for the Canucks this round against ___Insert Canucks Opponent Here you’re a probably an IKEA loving __Communist_. If you look at the birthplace breakdown of each team the Canucks ___American Opponent has more __Canadian Passport Holders anyways.
If you join the Canucks bandwagon this spring you’re for __Biting , and __Diving, and really __Dirty play even though I can’t give you any concrete examples of suspensions or fines the Canucks have had this season. Canucks fans will probably burn your _Car and draw a naughty __Sex Organ on your most prized possession. If you cheer for the Canucks this playoff season a bunch of __Girls And Their Purses might as well play for Lord Stanley’s Treasure. You should write a letter of apology to __Wayne Gretzky because the Canucks winning it all will be like literally __Peeing on the Stanley Cup. Even though I live on the other side of the __Country and never actually watch them play because I’m already __Asleep I’m an __Expert and I’m saying no to the Vancouver Canucks and you should too. For the good of the Canadian future.