Canucks Mad Libs

Now that the Canucks are about to start the playoffs it’s time for the mainstream media to chime in with their sudden insight on how hated and disgusting the two timing President’s trophy winners are! I’ve saved you the trouble of reading countless versions of this drivel by providing you a time saving template that covers the general gist below:

Do you care about ___Canadian___ patriotism? Do you love humble, strapping young men that spring up fully formed with broad shoulders from frozen ____Prairie____ ponds? Do you find yourself agreeing with ___Don Cherry__ or ___Mike Milbury__ that the golden hockey way is bruises and punches and good ___North American boys     ? If so, the Canucks are not for you. The Canucks are filled with all those __Euros__. They’re you know, different. They may be ___Sissies     or look like ___Your Mom. The Canucks even have one of those girlie __Alien     twins as their captain.

The truth is Vancouver the city itself isn’t Canadian either. The folks there are odd. They didn’t grow up with ___Ice and Snow    in their backyard ponds. Vancouverites even like __Starbucks     over the vastly more Canadian ___Tim Hortons   . My granddaddy told me that ___Rogers Arena     was built on an ancient ___Pot Smoking    and __Hippie burial ground. These __liberal     weirdos do not deserve a winning hockey team like the people in my traditional Canadian Hamlet of ___GordieHoweBobbyOrrMooseAndSnowTopia     .

What it comes down to is the Canucks can’t win Lord Stanley’s mug because they don’t play our glorious game of hockey the ___Right     way. They ___Dive    and like to carry the puck. They don’t ___Pay The Price     by blocking shots like ___Insert My Favourite Team That Is Out Of The Playoffs Here.    If you cheer for the Canucks this round against ___Insert Canucks Opponent Here    you’re a probably an IKEA loving  __Communist_. If you look at the birthplace breakdown of each team the Canucks ___American Opponent     has more __Canadian Passport Holders    anyways.

If you join the Canucks bandwagon this spring you’re for __Biting   , and __Diving,   and really __Dirty    play even though I can’t give you any concrete examples of suspensions or fines the Canucks have had this season. Canucks fans will probably burn your _Car and draw a naughty __Sex Organ    on your most prized possession. If you cheer for the Canucks this playoff season a bunch of __Girls And Their Purses    might as well play for Lord Stanley’s Treasure. You should write a letter of apology to __Wayne Gretzky because the Canucks winning it all will be like literally __Peeing    on the Stanley Cup. Even though I live on the other side of the __Country    and never actually watch them play because I’m already __Asleep    I’m an __Expert     and I’m saying no to the Vancouver Canucks and you should too. For the good of the Canadian future. 

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