A Letter To Some People On The Internet

Dear some people on the Internet,

There are some things I would like to address for you. Well there are four things, actually.

1) To (some) hockey fans, if you are making the oh so original “Sedin sisters” commentary, you might want to take note of their stats against your beloved “manly” team. Because if your team gets lit up night after night by two “sisters” what exactly does that say about your team? Also, if your argument for using these remarks is, “well I have a wife/sister/friend that doesn’t care I say that!” your argument sucks.

2) Free speech. We need to talk about free speech. Free speech allows you the freedom to SAY whatever you want. It does NOT allow you a free pass on ever being criticized for what you say. I’ll give you an example in case that’s not entirely clear. If I say, “Puppies are stupid and boring”, puppies can then tell me how horrible my opinion is through barking and scratching and then maybe pooping on everything I love. You see? I’m looking at you creep-tastic men on Reddit, Brent Sopel, Paul Ryan, and Tim Thomas.

3) Can we stop saying, “Why don’t people care about insert horrible serious issue of choice here instead of the NHL lockout?!!1″ Look, I can rant about big issues I care about all day. But you know what I can also rant about during the very same day? How I don’t get to watch twins thread passes like two red-headed ice skating Picassos for two hours a night, so I can escape the sometimes horrific human experience. So yeah, I will complain about the NHL lockout. Having escapism is not shallow. Stop telling people they’re shallow.

4) If some human person complains about David Booth’s hunting techniques, it does not make them a David Booth “hater”. I love David Booth’s glorious mane of hair, his penchant for Disney movies, the fact that he could be a cowboy hat model, and that he probably says golly gee a lot. I don’t love how he calls animals he has hunted “trophies” and seems to be collecting them all like Pokemon. But that does not equal being a “hater”.

Here ends the weekly rant.

Warmish regards,

Humming Giraffe


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