Fun With Stats

In the last while, a good chunk of the hockey blogosphere has gotten quite into advanced stats. There’s been a little drama with some stats guys being a little snarky about people that prefer to watch hockey without looking at advanced stats. And some people that prefer to watch hockey without looking at advanced stats being a little snarky about the stats guys. But for the most part I think it’s been a pretty fun addition(see what I did there? Everyone loves a good math pun ;) to hockey watching.

I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I’m naturally prone to being against stats because well…if there’s a phobia about being afraid of math, I have that. But, I do find if I come to one of my smart stats inclined hockey friends with an open mind and I ask them a stats related question, they are super nice about explaining it and it ends up making sense. I enjoy it once I understand it and it’s a fun way to enjoy my hockey fandom in a new way. I have always been a proponent of watching hockey in whichever way makes you happy (Basically don’t turn your kids into Canucks fans), so with that in mind I decided to think up my own hockey “statistics”.

Tra la la feeling bits/60. This stat is pretty simple. It’s how often throughout a 60 minute game, a player you love makes you say things like “OH MAN YOU’RE JUST THE GREATEST!” or “THAT GOAL YOU SCORED WAS SO PRETTY I WANT TO RUB MY FACE ON IT” or “LET’S TAKE THAT DEFENSIVE STICK CHECK OF YOURS BEHIND THE BARN”. I think you get the picture. I like to think of this stat as out of a hundred. So like a 90 is an A+ in tra la la feeling bits.

I will pee on everything you love or IWPOEYL. Think of this one as the reverse of tra la la feeling bits/60. This statistic involves any opposition player doing something so heinous to your team that you simply must yell at your television like the opposition player can totally hear you “I WILL PEE ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.” If a player causes you to yell this more than once during a game, well, his IWPOEYL reaches horrible negative numbers.

Relative rate of needing a fainting couch. This is closely linked with tra la la feeling bits but it is connected to purely physical actions. So for example, when Chris Higgins flashes his abs on the bench. Or when Keith Ballard hip checks someone. The physical action causes you do declare “GET ME TO A FAINTING COUCH! MY STARS!”

On couch needing a drink while watching percentage. Now I think this one is pretty self explanatory. What percentage over a season your team forces you to drink alcoholic beverages to cope with being a fan of them. This one could be graphed with huge surges during playoff season and if you’re a Leafs fan during free agency with Dave Nonis as a GM. You would also reach high percentages if you’re a fan of the Canucks and logical, competent management of goalies.

Do you have personal stats that suit your team in particular? Let me know!


One thought on “Fun With Stats

  1. Oh my gosh, these are so fun and hilarious and TOTALLY things that I would be on board with using as stats, haha. I think I’m adding “Get me to a fainting couch! My stars!” to my lexicon of phrases.

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