4 More years! 4 More years!

I’m overwhelmed with happiness and boisterous glee that the Sedins re-signed for 4 more years. They are just the best people around and I can’t wait to watch them score beautiful goals for the foreseeable future and (fingers crossed and sacrifices to the hockey gods!) hopefully get that Stanley Cup.

I’m a day late but you know. We can drag out the glee and euphoria, right?

Pavel Bure was before my time as a fan so I don’t think I can add anything worthwhile to that commentary. But I hope all the Canucks fans that loved him have a wonderful time tonight!

I made a blingee to commemorate the Sedins signing:

Then! I read this totally swoon-worthy post where John Tortorella basically said if you think the Sedins are soft players you’re wrong and you should feel bad. And it was AWESOME! So I had to make a blingee for Torts too.

Markus Naslund is in town! The Canucks play the Leafs. It’s going to be a good night.

Fun With Stats

In the last while, a good chunk of the hockey blogosphere has gotten quite into advanced stats. There’s been a little drama with some stats guys being a little snarky about people that prefer to watch hockey without looking at advanced stats. And some people that prefer to watch hockey without looking at advanced stats being a little snarky about the stats guys. But for the most part I think it’s been a pretty fun addition(see what I did there? Everyone loves a good math pun ;) to hockey watching.

I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I’m naturally prone to being against stats because well…if there’s a phobia about being afraid of math, I have that. But, I do find if I come to one of my smart stats inclined hockey friends with an open mind and I ask them a stats related question, they are super nice about explaining it and it ends up making sense. I enjoy it once I understand it and it’s a fun way to enjoy my hockey fandom in a new way. I have always been a proponent of watching hockey in whichever way makes you happy (Basically don’t turn your kids into Canucks fans), so with that in mind I decided to think up my own hockey “statistics”.

Tra la la feeling bits/60. This stat is pretty simple. It’s how often throughout a 60 minute game, a player you love makes you say things like “OH MAN YOU’RE JUST THE GREATEST!” or “THAT GOAL YOU SCORED WAS SO PRETTY I WANT TO RUB MY FACE ON IT” or “LET’S TAKE THAT DEFENSIVE STICK CHECK OF YOURS BEHIND THE BARN”. I think you get the picture. I like to think of this stat as out of a hundred. So like a 90 is an A+ in tra la la feeling bits.

I will pee on everything you love or IWPOEYL. Think of this one as the reverse of tra la la feeling bits/60. This statistic involves any opposition player doing something so heinous to your team that you simply must yell at your television like the opposition player can totally hear you “I WILL PEE ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.” If a player causes you to yell this more than once during a game, well, his IWPOEYL reaches horrible negative numbers.

Relative rate of needing a fainting couch. This is closely linked with tra la la feeling bits but it is connected to purely physical actions. So for example, when Chris Higgins flashes his abs on the bench. Or when Keith Ballard hip checks someone. The physical action causes you do declare “GET ME TO A FAINTING COUCH! MY STARS!”

On couch needing a drink while watching percentage. Now I think this one is pretty self explanatory. What percentage over a season your team forces you to drink alcoholic beverages to cope with being a fan of them. This one could be graphed with huge surges during playoff season and if you’re a Leafs fan during free agency with Dave Nonis as a GM. You would also reach high percentages if you’re a fan of the Canucks and logical, competent management of goalies.

Do you have personal stats that suit your team in particular? Let me know!

The 12 Days of Re – Wooing Luongo – Mas

So, wow. The Canucks goalie situation went from like a 10 on the bonkers scale to a 10 million on the bonkers scale. But, well, here we are. Back in hockey bed with Roberto Luongo who was, to put it mildly, not exactly treated like a King by Vancouver for the last 2 years or so. Basically, a completely Vancouver Canucks thing to happen when you think about it. Now the Canucks are red faced and have to convince a scorned Luongo that no they really DO love him! They were just confused, baby. Lost in a Cup-less world, searching for answers. They’ve come to their senses! Or they had money issues and no other choice! But mostly the latter!

Now Mike Gillis and the Aquilinis and Torts are flying down to Florida to woo Luongo back and it’s all terribly awkward and embarrassing. But here is how I see it going down…

On the first day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the second day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…two Lamborghinis and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the third day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the fourth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the fifth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the sixth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the seventh day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…seven pizzas from Italy, six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the eighth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…eight front row seats to a taping of The Bachelor, seven pizzas from Italy, six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the ninth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…nine puppies, eight front row seats to a taping of The Bachelor, seven pizzas from Italy, six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the tenth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…ten tubes of high end hair product, nine puppies, eight front row seats to a taping of The Bachelor, seven pizzas from Italy, six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

On the eleventh day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…eleven backup goaltenders who only want to play a few games, ten tubes of high end hair product, nine puppies, eight front row seats to a taping of The Bachelor, seven pizzas from Italy, six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie.

On the twelfth day of Re-wooing Luongo-mas my Gillis and Aquilini gave to me…twelve disguises to avoid the media, eleven backup goaltenders who only want to play a few games, ten tubes of high end hair product, nine puppies, eight front row seats to a taping of The Bachelor, seven pizzas from Italy, six box sets of The Jersey Shore, five dart boards with Alain Vigneault’s face, four man dates with Grant Fuhr, three poker tables, two Lamborghinis, and one all inclusive trip to Hawaii with James Duthie

Hiring Week With Torts!

During John Tortorella’s press conference, both he and Gillis mentioned the “extensive hiring process” Torts went through to land the Canucks coaching gig. The Humming Giraffe was lucky enough to find out exactly what this extensive hiring process looked like. What follows is a completely accurate summary of what took place.

On day 1 Torts had to play Daniel or Henrik? As you can see he had a little trouble…

On day 2, Torts visited the Grouse Grind. This was a two step process. First he had to push Alex Burrows up the grind in a cart.

Then, Torts had to pose naked at the top of the hike with Ryan Kesler. Goodness gracious.

On day 3, Torts did sit ups with Chris Higgins in the park.

This was already quite a lot of hard work to put in, but the hiring process wasn’t over yet. Next, Torts had to build a school with Dan “I’m an angel” Hamhuis.

Now for a much needed break from the physical exertion, Torts was scheduled to go shopping with Alex Edler.

This hiring process was getting PRETTY wacky. But the Canucks weren’t done yet. On this day, Torts went to the salon with Zack Kassian because he promised he’d get a sweet skullet.

The next day, Torts was given a breather from the Canucks players and their…hobbies and went to the casino with Gillis.

Torts was really impressing everyone so far after this busy week. There was just one last thing left before he could be hired. He had to learn the Canucks Kool-aid buzz words!

And with that John Tortorella was the next Canucks coach. Hooray!

Why You Shouldn’t Trust the San Jose Sharks

*Probably not true facts. Legal protection etc.

Adam Burish once bought a Chipotle burrito and dropped it on the street and then picked it up and ate it.

Logan Couture likes to bang on the glass when he watches other sporting events that require glass to be placed around the contestants.

Patrick Marleau’s eyebrows are full of secrets. One of them is how his hometown ceased to exist once he left it.

Bracken Kearns is secretly a spy for the BC liberal party. He’s from North Vancouver. I mean, come on.

Have you seen your children recently? Raffi Torres probably ate them. Or convinced them to get crazy eyes just like his at the very least.

Joe Thorton is having a torrid affair with Fin. He’s actually SJ Sharkie.

Tommy Wingels’ real name is Tommy Wangels. GASP.

Matt Tennyson actually hates to strive, seek, and find. And he likes to yield.

Scott Gomez has a poster of Sarah Palin above his bed.

Marc Edouard Vlasic has a tattoo of a cucumber.

Antti Niemi has a fear of vowels.

Brent Burns wasn’t actually injured this season. He was on an odyssey to see every 1Direction concert. That’s why his beard got so out of control.

Dan Boyle’s favourite Game of Thrones character is Walder Frey**

**Do not look up Walder Frey if you are a Game of Thrones show watcher only. Spoilers.

When Sexism In Hockey Is Discussed Bingo

Adorable Henrik Sedin cartoon in bottom right corner by Chloe Ezra from Pass It To Comics on Pass It To Bulis. And major H/T to Ryan Classic for the awesome graphic work.

Swedes and Bears and Twitter Jokes Oh My

This is just the most adorable picture on the planet. Thank you, cameras, for giving me this great gift. 

So this happened tweet exchange happened today and it was delightfully saucy and hilarious. Inspired by Luongo, I started thinking about a few NHLers I would like to say sorry about your penis to. Not because I’ve seen their penises but because they’re dicks. HAHA.

– David Backes, you kept slashing Keith Ballard in the gut and trying to punch him in the face the other night so: sorry about your penis. But off the ice you rescue abandoned and abused dogs so…congratulations on your penis as well, I guess.

– Duncan Keith, I will always say sorry about your penis. You would make the sorry about your penis all star team. Wait what?

– Brad Marchand, punching a Sedin in the face repeatedly and low bridge-ing Sami Salo makes you win the game of sorry about your penis.

– Too bad pucks don’t have penises because I would say sorry about your penis to the puck that hurt Chris Tanev’s ankle.

The Canucks Are The Most Bro-mantic Team In The League

All photos by Canucks photographer Jeff Vinnick.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C: 

Wherein My Team Makes Me All Gushy About Sports

I spend a lot of time thinking about sports, and more specifically, why watching sports matters. Seriously, a lot of time. I’m sure I’m weird, but it keeps me up at night sometimes. A lot of nasty things happen that tend to be centered around sports. It’s easy to start wondering why you bother supporting something so strongly that can have such a dark edge.

Then, if you fall in love with a team like the Canucks who always manage to lose it all in the most hulk smash of your heart way possible, you really start to wonder why you bother watching sports. But, sports do matter.

They matter for me because they connect me to people. They make me feel a part of something. Sometimes life isn’t going how you imagined it is supposed to. Sometimes all that’s getting you through a day is knowing you can turn on your TV at night and watch some Swedish twins score a beautiful goal. Other times, you are shuffling along in a fabulous mood, and hockey is just an excuse to energetically cheer and clap and put a voice to your fabulous mood.

The Canucks have shown me twice this week that sports matter. This article from the team website about a transgender goalie named Cory and his meeting with Cory Schneider is amazing. The Canucks have been one of the pioneers for LGBT support in sports and it continues to be one of my favourite things about them.

How wonderful that in a society that is so often ignorant or insulting to transgender individuals, Cory Schneider and the Canucks are saying you’re important and we support you.

The Canucks also announced an initiative with the other Canadian teams in the NHL called Hockey Talks to encourage people to speak out about mental illness.

Here’s an article from The Province about Rick Rypien’s story and more details about Hockey Talks. This issue is especially meaningful to me, and I couldn’t be happier the Canucks are spearheading it.

It’s really incredible to hear your team vocally support such important and valuable issues. Sports do matter.

My Response To The Rangers Girls Guide To Hockey

Here’s the thing, okay? When I watch hockey I like to talk about players butts. I can also present a workshop on the finer points of Hank Sedin’s playmaking or Sami Salo’s defensive stick checks. The point is, I watch hockey how I like to. So should you. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re less of a fan. No one needs a condescending guide for watching hockey whether they’re man, woman, or giraffe. Okay, maybe the giraffe should be told “Down in front” politely if he or she is sitting at ice level.