Ever since the playoffs began way back in April I’m sure you’ve been told how Canucks fans are a bunch of whiney, horrible, Lucic hating, rioting, scum of the Earth, Swedish twin loving reprobates. Reporters have walked the planet studying Canucks fans and written many words on just what makes a Canucks fan so detestable to other species of hockey fans. I thought it would be useful and educational to pull back the curtain as it were and give you a good look at the day to day routine of a usual Canucks fan.
Here we have the typical Canucks fan!
First up is breakfast! A well balanced start to the day is very important.
Once the Canucks fan is finished eating it’s time for vigorous exercise.
Lunges and squats and proper cardio is ESSENTIAL so the Canucks fan is fit and limber for lifting cop cars and lighting things on fire.
Next up is a refreshing dip in the pool for diving practice!
Once the Canucks fan has completed their exercise routine it’s craft time. Presently the Canucks fan is working on making a tin foil hat and a Brad Marchand voodoo doll.
Once craft time is done the Canucks fan is usually in the mood for journal writing and meditation. Journalling topics may include:
Zdeno Chara has fat thighs.
Just how boring IS Jonathan Toews?
Mark Messier should be the super villain in the new Spiderman movie. Yes/Yes.
10 ways Trevor Linden rawks
Sounds more annoying than Chelsea Dagger. (info not found)
Will a beach ball play ahead of Keith Ballard in the depth chart?
After the engaging journal writing the Canucks fan likes to cry. A lot. It’s sad business being a Canucks fan. No friends except their own kind, loneliness. playoff emptiness, and so on.
When the Canucks fan’s tear ducts are empty they cheer up by going on a road trip to IKEA! There’s always a chance of seeing a Swedish Canuck and a Canucks fan enjoys affordable furniture very much.
Once their new Swedish craft table and matching chair is built, the Canucks fan takes their dog for a walk. It’s a beautiful walk when they can steal candy from a tiny child. Evil deeds keep the Canucks fan’s blood pumping!
It’s been a full day now for the Canucks fan and they are ready to sleep.
I hope this expose into the life of a Canucks fan was helpful to you. Remember when approaching a Canucks fan in the wild, walk up to them slowly so they are not startled. They can be subdued by waving a white towel and a picture of Ryan Kesler’s abs. Be wary of getting too close they may charge if you’re wearing red and black or gold.
The Humming Giraffe 
That was AWESOME! :)
that is scarily like my life
I think a picture of Ryan Kesler’s abs would excite rather than subdue the Canucks fan. But everything else you’ve written is true.
This is still and always fantastic.